


Shattered ideal

by NPh



Series: One of a kind [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brotherhood, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Trust, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, mostly canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-22
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-05-22 14:57:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6084012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NPh/pseuds/NPh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''What's the point of all this? I mean, why?''<br/>''I don't know, sir. I don't think anybody knows. But I do know that someday, this war is gonna end.''<br/>''Then what? We're soldiers. What happens to us then?''</p>
<p>The time has come for the 501st to rethink everything that happened on Umbara.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One for All: Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the episodes 7-10 of season four.  
> If I may suggest You a soundtrack for this chapter... ''Lux Aeterna'' by Clint Mansell from ''Requiem for a Dream''

The first impression can be misleading. After all, when the push comes to shove, many people turn out to be different than they appeared. Rex knew that – he was an officer, he had worked with various generals, various troopers... He had seen such behaviour before – harsh and distant at first, turns out to be touchy and insecure – that applied to both the troopers and the Jedi.

_''Master Krell, this is Rex, my first in command. You won't find a finer or more loyal trooper anywhere.''_

The captain almost blushed behind his helmet. General Skywalker recommended him... Force, he praised him. Rex wasn't a shiny eager for citation, but it still felt nice to be adulated by the superior.  
The first impression was a good one, wasn't it? Sure, Rex prefered to prove himself on the battlefield, but he could live with the recommandation.  
However, he had some objections – he wasn't that good, Skywalker was exaggerating... Well, it doesn't matter now, does it? Modesty turned out to be the wrong way...

Rex wanted to be kind, he wanted to tell the general that it was an honor to fight beside him. He felt honored – he'd heard about general Krell: about his effectivity, his strategies _and_ his casualties... What about this said first impression? Krell seemed unapproachable, proud, serious. They would probably need someone level-headed there on Umbara.  
 _Level-headed_ , Rex hardly manages not to burst into bitter laughter. Someone level-headed would have never sent his troops against one another. And Krell would. The captain clenches his fists. If only he had cottoned on earlier... He takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Anger won't help. Rex needs to be clear-headed.  
What's done, cannot be undone.

He wanted to be kind, he wanted to show his respectfulness towards general Krell. To captain's surprise, the Jedi saw it as an act of ingratiating. However, being considered a sycophant wasn't the worst part.

_''I find it very interesting, captain, that you are able to recognize the value of honor, for a clone.''_

That still hurts. Especially, after everything that happened after this one statement had been made. Rex was quite independent, _for a clone_. And he is proud of it. Furthermore, now he's even more 'independent', he will disobey orders if he don't like them or if those orders put lives of his men at risk. A thin smile appears on captain's face. Disobeying orders. Just a week earlier he would scold himself for such concept, but he is disillusioned now. Slick was partialy right. Some Jedi can't be trusted. Being a good soldier doesn't mean that you should follow blindly every order given by the superiors. Rex learnt that on Umbara. He promised himself that he won't forget this lesson. He's quite good at learning new things, _for a clone_.

He's aware that many think very little of clones and consider them just some cannon fodder. That doesn't change the fact that he had never came across a Jedi who would make his opinion so explicit.  
They were bred for war, that's true, but they're not droids. They're men – they can be tired, they can starve, they can _feel_. They can't hold the candle to other sentient beings? After Umbara Rex will put a bullet between eyes of anyone who dares to insult his brothers.

_''CT-7567, are you reading me?''_

He was completly taken aback. It had been a long time since someone adressed him by the number. He blinked, confusion painted all over his face. Thanks Force for the helmet... He could easily recall his days on Kamino – the cloners hadn't been interested in their nicknames. They were just units... He had been able to stand it because he had never experienced a different approach. Then he had gotten a name. Nothing had really changed – only his brothers had known that he'd gone by ''Rex'' from then.  
He knew that for numerous people he was still 'seventy-five sixty-seven'... but no Jedi had ever called him by this designation. When they had met for the first time, general Skywalker had asked him about the name, not the number.

_''I asked you a question, CT-7567.''_

Only then Rex realised that Krell used his _number_. However, he was too confused to feel insulted. He had more significant things to worry about – his men needed rest. He didn't ask for something unattainable – only a few whiles to recharge their batteries... But the general refused, pah!, he stated that they didn't need rest. He forced them to keep this pace, though they had been walking for twelve hours. It was subhuman - Rex knew that and yet he obeyed.  
Now when he knows everything – that Krell was a traitor, that the suspiciousness of him was the right thing – this whole story, everything that happened on Umbara, looks like some weird dream. Nightmare would be a better word to describe all those events actually... His brothers were dying and he couldn't help it. Why? Because he had been engineered to obey orders. Back on Kamino he had been told thousandfold that he has to be loyal. They had told him that good soldiers follow orders. No, good soldiers think.  
Krell was a nightmare, one of Rex's worst nightmares, and though he was dead, this unpleasant dream hasn't been over yet. The 501st is surrounded by a horde of medics and specialists (even some Kaminoans have been called) – it should make the captain feel safe... but it doesn't. He's still on edge, worrying about his men. Especially about Dogma.  
They keep asking them tricky questions, running some psychological tests on them... A clone killed a Jedi. Who cares that Krell was a traitor? No, what's unsettling is that a clone pulled the trigger and killed someone who was said to be a Jedi. Clones don't kill Jedi. They're not supposed to do such things.  
Rex hardly manages not to slam his fists into the nearest surface. The anger boils in him again. He feels like a fool – he was manipulated and put his brothers at risk, still he wasn't able to end this properly. He couldn't pull the trigger. He was too weak. He was afraid of the consequences. He was worrying about the 'supposed to'. He growls – like a frustrated animal closed in a cage. He can't get up and start throwing and kicking things – they would have him sedated and locked up in no time. He can't let that happen – the 501st needs him. Who will protect them, when Rex's gone?

_''CT-7567, do you have a malfunction in your design?''_

Multiple malfunctions, Rex thinks and once more he's proud of himself. If worrying about his brothers is considered a malfunction... If being a good officer is considered a malfunction... If doing his duty is considered a malfunction... If thinking is considered a malfunction... then he's quite faulty. He fights the urge to burst into laughter – they should have never let him leave Kamino! It seems he's just a miserable excuse of a true trooper...  
Rex doesn't laugh. It's not funny anymore. His defiance and alacrity are gone.   
His ideals have been shattered.

He needs a deep breath to regain his composure – he has to keep his spirits up. For the 501st. For the Torrent Company. For his brothers.

_''...malfunction in your design?''_

Rex heaves a sigh. Another funny thing about being a clone is probably the moment when you realise that you are a free man but... well, you are not. You were bred in a laboratory, but they programme you to feel fine with it. You don't think about it much – you have your brothers and your duty. Everything is fine. Until you start thinking. Only then the realisation sinks in and you comperhends that you are a property. You were conditioned to believe that you have to fight and protect the Republic. You've never been given a choice.  
Despite the dispondency Rex smiles.  
Some of them had the chance to decide.  
The captain thinks about Cut and his family...  
Now a time has come for Rex to decide about his future.  
He's going to stay here. As a clone captain of the Grand Army of the Republic. His family is here.

_''You have a spoke of tenacity captain. I'll give you that.''_

His mind goes blank when he recalls this statement.   
Why? Why did he say that? To make Rex think that he stands a chance against the general? Did Krell truly complimented him? Or was he just playing tricks on Rex?  
Tenacity. Is that what keeps him alive this days? Is tenacity the reason why he hasn't broken down during those interrogations and tests? Is this so called 'tenacity' the thing which make his brothers trust in him?

_''They seem to admire this.''_

Rex clenches his fists – why did he trust this treacherous scum? He should have listened to Fives from the begining. If he was so good for his men, why wouldn't he stop Krell? Why didn't he pull the trigger? Why was he afraid? Afraid of what? He has no idea what his brothers see in him...? He failed them and they still cleave to him, some even look up to him...  
Rex curls up, resting his forehead on his knees. Images from the past flood his mind and he can't look away. He sees Fives. Not the ARC trooper. A shiny. A young soldier bored with the fact that he has been stationed on the Rishi moon... Faces are flashing before Rex's eyes – only one face, to be exact – and he recognizes them all. Echo. Hevy... A quiet sob escapes captain's throat. He digs his fingers into his flanks to force himself to calm down.  
He's not allowed to break down. If he gave in, the whole 501st would.

Rex takes his time – he recovers slowly and sits properly, then rubs his temples.

He was trying to protect his men no matter the cost. He covered for them. He wanted to take the blame for attacking the Umbaran cargo vessel... Nonetheless, Krell was the one to come out on top. He gave an order. He said that Fives and Jesse would be court-martialed. Found guilty. Executed.  
This time it is almost physical pain. Rex grits his teeth, his hands curls into balls again but this time they are tightened so hard that his knuckles turn almost white. His heart is hammering like mad.  
Umbara made him sick.  
Krell made him sick.

A few days ago – when Cody warned them that Kaminoans were on their way – Kix told him about likely harmful consequences of what had happened to the 501st... Rex has seen some troopers appearing like death warmed over. He talked to them, attempted to reassure them... Now it seemes he's sick as well.  
He can't let it slip. If it turns out that he suffers from some post-traumatic disorder, they will send him to Kamino. Rex knows that he's not able to leave his men... He would become frantic when placed far from them... He would be decommissioned then.  
Rex has to keep his emotions in check. For his brothers.

_''If punishment isn't swift, their defiance may inspire others to follow suit.''_

Captain smirks weakly. _You had point there, I'll give you that, general_ , Rex thinks contentedly. There was no punishment – there was only intentional breach. The whole 501st had made this decision – even Dogma finally let the scales fall from his eyes. They marched together to do their duty. They surrounded him. Tried to reason with him. He didn't listen. They chased him. Caught him.  
Brought him to justice.  
What they did was the right thing – no one can deny it. If somebody does, then he's a fool. Rex ordered them to do it, authorised this whole operation. He had enough of this carnage. He had his duty too – to protect the Jedi. Krell was no Jedi, furthermore, he posed a threat to the true peace-keepers. Therefore he was the one to be executed.  
Dogma did the right thing.

_''Some clones are just defective.''_

Rex hopes that those who are observing the 501st won't share Krell's view. His brothers aren't defective. They have strict code and they adhere to it.  
His stomach lurches and his thoughts turn to this probable sickness again. The pain appears once more and now Rex recognises it as fear. He worries about his battalion, about the results of those psychological tests. The medics and those few cloners are very kind, but captain's suspicious towards them. Beneath this affable manner lies distrust.  
The remains of the 212th platoon were sent to Coruscant almost the next day after Kaminoan's arrival. They ran some tests on the troopers and let them leave for their deserved rest. With the 501st it was a different story... They're stuck here and they have no idea how long this – they aren't sure how to call it – 'investigation' may take... After all they killed their general. Their commanding officer gave the order to arrest the general and then attempted to execute him...  
Rex sighs. Why did the Jedi Council need Skywalker in that particular moment? Why did they send Krell as the replacement? Captain shakes his head as if it helps to clear his mind. There is no time for 'what if'. He needs to be prepared, when they come for him. He's spoken to many troopers – they are coming to him the moment they're told that the 'investigators' wants to ''ask them a few questions''. They seek reassurance. Rex has a duty to provide them with it. He is their captain.

_''You're in a position of power now.''_

Yes, he is. The difference is that Rex ain't afraid anymore. He knows what he needs to do – he comforts his brothers, he defends them. Keeping his men safe had become his purpose – he's not become a captain because of some lust for fame, but because of the power to stand between the threat and his brothers. He will remain loyal to the orders until they won't bring harm to those most important in his life.

_''Eventually, you'll have to do the right thing...''_

Rex opens his eyes and sees her face – she's still a kid. Presumably she will remain 'kid' for the captain forever. He likes her. He likes Skywalker too. Does he trust them? That's still debatable...  
''Better...?'' Ahsoka asks with concern, looking square in his eyes.  
Rex titles his head to the side and wonders. Is it any better? He thought over everything that had happened on Umbara and, to be honest, it only caused the anger hidden in his heart to reignite... He can say that he feels better and this quick course of meditation helped him, but it would be a pretence. Nonetheless, he's glad that Ahsoka wished to help him with this whole mess which remained after Umbara. She cared. Anakin cared for the 501st too but he's been dealing with the fact that Krell – one of the best Jedi masters – turned out to be a traitor.

''Meditation is a Jedi thing'' Rex says slowly, those big blue eyes still fixed on him. ''Thanks for your concern, commander. I'm glad to know that someone actually cares about our well-being'' he adds in a low voice but it speakes volumes.  
Our. Us. That means ''us – the clones'', ''us – the brothers''...  
Ahsoka observes him for a while and sighs. He is distant and professional, keeps his emotion in check. Was he always this way or did the Umbara change him? She isn't sure. She knows Rex for so long, she considers him her friend, but she can't tell if this man sitting in front of her is the same as he was when she had seen him the last time... Frustrating.  
''Rex...'' she says hesitantly and goes silent immediately, seeing him wincing. It's been a relatively long time since someone apart from his brothers called him by name. Captain, trooper, CT-7567... but not Rex. That's ridiculous. How have they ended up like this?  
Ahsoka shakes her head.  
''Rex, I'm sorry...''  
Is he surprised? He raises his eyesbrows and gives her a suspicious glance. That wasn't unexpected.  
She reaches out and touches his palm carefully. She can sense that he's nervous and tense.  
''Rex, I know that you feel betrayed...'' Another wince. ''… but you need to know that Skyguy and I care about you and your brothers...'' For a short while she isn't sure what his reation would be like. Will he stand up and walk away? Will he be angry and tell her that she's not allowed to use the word ''brothers''? Will he tell her that she doesn't know what this word means?  
He was mad. She felt it a few times. He was dissapointed. His own beliefs let him down.  
She dares to raise her gaze, mostly because she can't sense the anger or any other emotion. His face is neutral and he watches her in silence. Suddenly he smiles weakly and squeezes her hand lightly.  
''Thank you, Ahsoka.''

Nonetheless, she senses that Rex isn't at peace.  
And he won't be for a long while.


	2. One for All: Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You very much for leaving Kudos!  
> I don't know why writing this chapter took me so long... Sorry for any mistakes - I've checked this chapter a few times, but I might have missed something...  
> Hope You'll enjoy :)

His every step echoes in the corridor. He walks straight on, his head bowed and his expression thoughtful – he knows his destination. He doesn't look around to see if those passing by are his brothers or someone else – it doesn't matter, there are only two men with whom he would like to speak now.  
One of them was quite busy right now and the other... He was heading in his direction (unless those so called 'investigators' haven't changed anything).  
Fives can feel how everybody is staring at him while going past him – after all he is the one who didn't trust Krell from the begining... Did it alter anything? Not at all. This whole story was up to Rex – if the captain had cottoned on earlier, such turn of events would definitely change the ending of their story. Fives shakes his head – there's no place for what-ifs.

_''Nice to have you on board.''_

This mission began just as other tasks they'd been given numerous times before: the 501st always volunteers etc. Fives had the oportunity to work with his comrades – he'd become an ARC trooper and he had to admit that he missed his brothers, those who had received him and Echo with open arms. He had missed Rex. Fives wasn't a shiny, nor a simple trooper – he and the captain became equals, therefore fighting side by side was not only an honor, but also a pleasure.

_''Your reputation precedes you, general.''_

Fives wouldn't put it more concisely. Although Rex didn't mean that, he spoke Fives' mind – Krell was a well-known general. Well-known for his casualties, to be exact. Serving under him meant death for a clone – this was the cost of his strategies and they all knew it, still the captain was honored to serve under him. Fives felt the same, but he was far more sceptical about this sudden change.  
He remembers his first weeks in the 501st – no matter what had happend on Rishi moon, when compared to the members of the legendary battalion, he was still a shiny. He'd idolised Rex back then – justafiably, he'd saved them, hadn't he? Then they'd become friends, equals – the moment Fives had realised it had been so splendid... even now this memory causes him to smile. When you're a clone, you're having all your brothers around – there are milions of them – but there are those few ones who are... more relevant? Fives doesn't know how to call it (he doubts if any clone knows) – there are brothers and only a few _brothers_ among them. They understand you better than the rest – he and Echo were close, but Fives observed that actually such closeness wasn't some rare phenomenon. Many brothers formed such friendships – Jesse and Kix, Rex and Cody, Boil and Waxer...  
His train of thought wrecks, when the ARC trooper suddenly walks into someone... He raises his gaze and freezes – one of the cloners is looking down at him. Fives fights the urge to go round her without a word – he doesn't trust Kaminoans anymore, _kriff_ , he's close to hating them... This whole mission has already been one big mess, but when the cloners came, they turned everything upside down even further. They've talked to the generals and then to the clone officers – Rex's refused to speak with Fives about this 'interrogation' and that left him deeply disturbed...

''Sorry'' he mutters, trying not to avoid the cloner's eyes. She studies him just for a short while, but he can sense this suspiciousness... She sees the markings on his armor, therefore she knows that he's a part of _this_ battalion.  
Fives breaks the eye contact abruptly and, cursing under his breath, goes past the Kaminoan. He's fed up with being considered some object of study.  
He's not just another number.  
None of them are.

_''These men just need a little break.''_

_The whole 501st needs a break from this madness_ , Fives concludes and looks over his shoulder, but there's only the empty corridor, the Kaminoan is gone. Will she tell anyone that she's seen 'ARC-5555' and his behaviour seemed 'unusual'? Fives' not sure, but he subconciously picks up the pace. They can't stop him, not today, not now... He draws a deep breath – is he starting to freak out too? His brothers are all weary, this situation is driving them mad. They sit in the barracks, waiting for somebody to wave a magic wand and end the 'investigation'. Only few struggles to put on a brave face. Yesterday Jesse told him that he'd officialy lost his sense of humor again – presumably because Kix gave up and bowed up to gather with the rest of the overwrought brothers. As a medic he couldn't stand the fact that everybody treats him as if he was a patient...  
Fives doesn't allow himself to be broken easily. Somebody has to stay on the watch. Rex is doing his best too, but Fives' afraid that he won't last it out – the captain is slowly reaching his breaking point. The ARC trooper knows him long enough to see it...

_''With all due respect, general, we don't know what we are up against. It might be wiser to think first.''_

They tried to think, but Krell tricked them. He used their loyalty against them. He used their training against them. Hilarious, Fives used to believe that, thanks to their upbringing, they were prepared for almost everything that may occur during a war.  
''Almost'' he mutters as he passes by a trooper.  
He'd swear that the guy looks over his shoulder.  
Fives doesn't recognise him – he's not a part of the 501st, nor the 212th – he has no markings on his armor. The ARC wonders who this trooper is. A shiny perhaps? Probably came with those 'investigators'... Presumably he believes that being a good soldier means obeying every order... He will go to his commanders and snitch on Fives and he will feel fulfilled after doing his duty... _Come on, do it. Be a good trooper. I dare you..._ , the ARC thinks, quickening absent-mindly.  
He needs to reach his destination and talk to the so called 'key witness'. The worst thing which can happen to them now is being separated. Members of the battalion have to stay in touch, efficient flow of information is the key to success... They need to come up with a plan if they want to survive this ordeal.

_''As sure as it is my duty to remain loyal to your command, I also have another duty, to protect those men.''_

_Agreed_ , Fives thinks as he recalls one of the first moments when Rex lost his temper and spoke his mind to the general. Krell listened. Captain's objection was noted. However, it didn't change a thing – they could have argued, criticised and improvised on the battlefield, but as long as they were obeying Krell's orders, they were trapped as his pawns.  
_This is all just a game_ , Fives realises and he has to pause when the thought crosses his mind. It's not some life-changing discovery – they were at war, which is truly a strategy game – but only then he understands how terrifying it is and how miserable he and his brothers are. Every soldier has a duty – win and remain loyal, but what's then? What will happen to the troopers when the conflict will be over?  
A chill appears in his heart and a spine-tingling whisper soughs in his head: _And what happens to the pawns when a game ends?_  
They are put aside and have to wait until they would be of use... They don't start families, they don't know life apart from the game. Pawns have only the game - they've been invented to be a part of it. Without the game they mean nothing. They are useless without their purpose.

Fives leans against the wall and draws a deep breath. The most horrible thing is probably the fact that he hasn't made any great discovery – no one knows what to do with the clones (the whole army of brothers!) when the war ends and no one muses on it.  
They have no future.

_''Fives, it will help if you ease their minds.''_

A spurious smile slowly shows up on his face, but it's deprived from any sign of amusement – it looks stilted and appears to be a panic reaction.  
Ease their minds? Sure, but would somebody be as kind so to ease his mind first? He asks himself if he's losing it and, to his bewilderment, he can't answear this question. Maybe he's starting freaking out just like the majority of the 501st? Fives feels profoundly confused and for a short while, which seems like an hour, he isn't able to focus on his surrounding. He struggles to clear his mind, shakes his head and gives a deep sigh. His gaze is fixed on the floor when the corridor starts spinning.

_”I honor my code. That's what I believe.”_

Fives lifts his head abruptly and looks around to ensure himself that no one can see him. He can't give up, somebody has to stay on the watch. He has a mission. He needs to keep moving.

He straightens up and almost runs away as if this particular place, where he was standing, was cursed. Finally, he slows down and jogs a few more meteres, then he's walking again, pretending that nothing happened and he hasn't freak out.  
Another fake smile shows up on his face, although no one can see him, no one's watching... but can he be sure about this? Fives continues his little march toward the destiny, trying to fool himself that he feels well.  
''Everything is in its right place” he says and, without warning, his smile turns from stilted into an ominous one. He's sure that he does the right thing. Haar'chak!, he _knows_ that he's doing the right thing! Anybody who dares to tell him that he's a traitor, because he's disobeying orders, is a fool.  
Fives doesn't believe in any kind of predestination. The Force? Yeah, maybe – he has seen Jedi doing many weird things which would be an impossibility for an averege man... But destiny? There's no such thing as destiny – Fives shapes his future. He's a free man, after all. The only thing that pinions him are orders, but... Obeying every order given? Sounds funny...  
And he starts laughing.  
This laughter isn't happy, it's bitter, it's scary... Actually it's hard to describe this noise as a laughter. The sound coming out of Fives is more like yip – it is high-pitched, spine-chilling and ill-natured. His voice seemed like a horrifying whistle – it echoes in the corridor, bouncing off the walls and always coming back to Fives, jolting him all over again. His body shakes violently and the ARC has to double over and wraps his arms protectively around his stomach as if it was about to explode because of the terrifying noise still coming out of him.  
Fives wants to stop 'laughing'... but he can't. He wishes he could just close his mouth, but he finds himself unable to do such a thing. Fives sinks to his knees and bows his head, feeling sick, this terrible noise never coming to an end. The corridor starts spining again and the ARC closes his eyes, strugling to focus on his mission.  
He needs to talk to his brother. He's not allowed, but he needs to...  
Only then, when this rebelous thought enters his mind, this quasi-laughter turns into a shriek, making Fives collapse to the floor. The corridor is still revolving around him, making his head swim. Tears starts to stream down and the drops... They are so loud, when hitting the ground – each of them producing a pungent sound, grinding into Fives' ears.

He shakes his head and tries to stand up, but...

_''You don't have a choice. That's an order.''_

He's still on the floor, at least he managed to stop screaming. He feels as if something was restraining him. He can't rise to his feet and for a moment he looks around to check if there's no chain clamping him to the floor.  
He gathers his strength and forces his own body to cooperate. Finally he makes it to the upright position, but still he needs to put a hand on the wall next to him to stabilise himself.  
He takes a hesitant step forward and a small smile lights up his face, when he doesn't collapse to the ground again.  
''I can do it'' Fives mutters under his breath, starting walking again.  
After a few meters he doesn't need to keep a hand on the wall anymore. He strolls down the hallway and soon he reaches the first obstacle – door.

He looks at the card reader. No clone has the permission to go in there, therefore there was no way for Fives to posses the access card. However, it doesn't stop him – he's an ARC trooper. There is no place for the phrase 'closed door' in Advanced Recon Commando's dictionary.

_''What can I do? I've tried to reason with him.''_

He kneels and deftly removes the control panel, exposing the tangle of wires hidden behind it. Fives frowns as he starts to manoeuvre the cables.  
''Tricky peace of hardware...'' he concludes, repeating after one of his brothers.  
Suddenly his mind is overwhelmed by a flood of memories. Hardcase's broad smile shows up and the ARC has to take a break. He stands back and simply looks into space, waiting for the overpowering grief to fade away.  
_This is not the time_ , he tells himself, but he still feels the sorrow piercing his heart, the gyp poisoning his blood and flowing in his veins.  
Fives raises his hand, but freezes unable to move. He tries to reason with his body, make it listen to the common sense, just like Rex strove to reason with Krell. Fives fails too.  
He sighs and raises his gaze, giving himself time to regain his composure. He watches the wires closely, thinking over connecting some of them. He titles his head to the side and hears Hardcase's triumphant yelling, when he managed to fly the Umbaran fighter. A sad smile appears on his face and once again he decides to roll up his sleeves and get down to work.

_''Are you out of your mind? It's a suicide mission, not to mention against orders.''_

Soon the door is wide open and Fives enters another long corridor. He doesn't notice whether the alarm went off, he doesn't really care. He walks straight through hell with a smile – that's what an averege ARC would do.  
No one can stop him now – there is a brother in need, waiting for him. They have to talk.  
Fives feels surefooted, he forgot about his recent break down. Duty calls – his mission on Umbara hasn't finished yet, he still has job to do.  
His gaze is fixed on the corridor straight ahead, his mind is clear – no grief, no satisfaction, only the task. He doesn't wonder what would happen if he suddenly walks into a Kaminoan or any other 'investigator'. He's almost all up with it. His march toward destiny comes to an end, when he reaches another door – no access card needed, only a code. A code which Fives fortunately posseses, because he was the one who shut Dogma in there.  
He enters the code and his heart misses a beat.  
''Access denied'' announces an artificial voice.

_''If there's a punishment to be given, it should be directed toward me.''_

For a long moment, Fives only stares at the console, then he tries the code again. The artificial voice is patient – it repeats the answer, waiting for the realisation to sink in. The ARC enters the code one more time. Then again. And again. And again.  
His face turns pale, his heart is thudding. A trickle of sweat makes its way toward his cheek.  
How is that possible? They've changed the code? Why? When? Fives hectically looks around and suddenly the corridor flashes, the lighting turnes red and the alarm goes off. The siren is deafening, but the ARC doesn't make any effort to cover his ears with his hands. Has he started panicing yet? His mind is occupied with the fact that some di'kut changed the password.  
He's so close... Fives stares at the door, anger taking him over, jamming the common sense. He has gone that far... and some access code will stop him? The lack of permission will restrain him?  
He removes the control panel viciously and starts connecting random wires. Some of them explodes, sending sparks toward him, searing his skin, but he seems unimpressed. He swears out loud, his movements are frantic and his hands are shaking. Fives gritts his teeth, but it doesn't help, furthermore he tastes blood in his mouth.  
He freezes, when a hand rests on his shoulder. He turns around hesitantly and his eyes meets those similiar, but yet so different eyes of his brother. The patience emanating from them is like a slap.

''Fives'' Rex says, looking him square in the eyes.  
The ARC stares at him, unable to react. His mind goes blank. All of a sudden he feels lost – he can't move, can't speak and he watches the captain whose face is neutral, deprived from emotions... The anger reappears in Fives' heart and he winces, stepping away from his brother. He glares at Rex and snaps:  
''How is it possible that you notice everything?''  
The captain is silent.  
''You are so observant and yet you failed to notice that Krell was using you!'' Fives shouts, but Rex seems unmoved. ''Hut'uun!'' the younger clone exclaims and finally let the rage get the better of him. He raises his arm abruptly and without a second thought hits his brother with all his might. The captain dodges just in time and shoves the attacker hard.  
''Fives...!''

_''We are loyal soldiers''_  


The ARC trooper opens his eyes and sits up, he's beaded with sweat and panting. He looks around rapidly – it's so dark, he can't see anything... Have they caught him? Where is he? In the brig? On Kamino...? The thought sends shiver down his spine. _No, not Kamino... Everything but not Kamino..._ He finds himself shaking with fear.  
''Easy, Fives'' a soothing voice speaks up.  
The ARC blinks a few times and in the end he recognises the sleeping quarters on Umbara. Fives squints and sees the familiar silhouette of his brother who is watching him with concern. He feels like a shiny – at first so self-assured, suddenly finds out how vulnerable he truly is. There is a hand rubbing his back unhurriedly, making his body stop trembling.  
''Rex...?'' Fives whispers, seeking captain's eyes in the darkness.  
''I'm right here, vod'' the older clone answers in a low voice.

_''You have to learn to make your own decisions.''_

_It was just a dream_ , Fives tells himself and immediately corrects this thought: _A nightmare would be more suitable description..._  
He looks at Rex who is still sitting at his side, watching him carefully. The captain is obviously exhausted – dark circles under his eyes speaks volumes, furthermore his face appears very pale even in the poor lighting. He's become so thin since they arrived on Umbara – his muscles are visible, too visible even by trooper's standards. The captain is a shadow of his former self.  
Fives looks around, ckecking if his nightmare woke up the rest of the officers occupying this quarters. Assigning them to particular room in the Umbaran base obviously has been thought-out, so that troopers from the 501st were under close scrunity.  
There are five of them in the sleeping quarters and Fives considers this number lucky (there's no need for clarification, isn't it?) - it's been a stroke of luck apparently. Two officers have been assigned to take a closer look at Rex, Appo and Fives – one of them is commander Cody who would never put Rex's life at stake (and vice versa). The other clone's an ARC named Deadpan – he isn't very talkative, but he respects the captain for something (when Fives asked about it, Cody summarised it as ''quite a story'').

Therefore the three other clones are pretending that they haven't waken up or sleeping. The young trooper presumes the latter – the officers are still asleep, judging by the fact that Cody and Appo are lying, turning their back on Fives and Rex. Besides, Deadpan's snoring prevents any attempts at overhearing. In that case, why is the captain awake? He seems on edge, but would he hear his brother's squirming? The ARC assumes that he wasn't sleeping at all – probably he's been staring at the ceiling since the lights were switched off. Fives makes a mental note to ask Kix for some hypnotics for the captain (coaxing Rex into taking it would be a welcome distraction for the 501st).

_''I have to do this.''_

Fives raises his gaze from the crumpled sheets and meets Rex's eyes. He feels like a child who wakes up disoriented in the middle of night and looks for its mother... The captain puts an arm over his brothers shoulders and pulls him closer.  
Fives can feel Rex's heart beating slowly and it terrifies him – he spare a glance at his brother's chest. His skin is just a poor cloth stretched on thin bars, he's so miserable...  
''You need to rest'' the captain whispers, noticing his brother's concerned look.  
''You too.''  
That's the best response Fives' able to come up with. He bites his lip and bows his head – he is tired, but what if the nightmare returns? Rex's grip tightens on his shoulder and suddenly the younger clone realises that he's being hugged.

''Sleep, Fives'' the captain says as he pulls away. ''I'll take the watch.''


	3. All for One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I sat down and decided to finish this story before starting anything new.  
> I hope it's less depressing than it seemed when I was writing it.

The room where he's been placed is very small.

Not that he has claustrophobia. It's just an observation he made. Making observations is one of the few things he does to kill time. 

Another way of spending all those hours of loneliness and waiting is wondering. But he rarely does that. Wondering makes him feel even lonelier... and doomed. 

When he starts to wonder his mind is occupied by one particular thought. _What will happen to me?_ He struggles to avoid all the nightmare scenarios but they always come back to haunt him.

He broke down only once.

He burst into tears and curled into a ball on the ground. He was crying so hard that he cried himself to sleep and when he woke up they were looking down at him.

A shiver runs down his spine at the very memory of the cold, reptilian eyes locked on him. He felt so vulnerable and exposed that he couldn't move. He just stared back at the Kaminoans until they told him to stand up. And then they asked him questions. Lots of questions. He hardly managed to keep track of them all – he _had_ to keep track so that he would answer them correctly.

They asked about his brothers. About the general. About the captain.

He tried to stay focused and to analyse all queries but after endless hours he gave up. He was exhausted. During the last quarter of the interrogation he was on the brink of begging the 'investigators' to let him go.

He raises his gaze from the floor and looks at the door. He hasn't been visited for a long time. He knows that they banned his brothers from seeing him and even standing outside his cell... but he wonders why the 'investigators' haven't come to look down at him for few days.

He shakes his head violently to drive the sudden urge to wonder away. He doesn't want to think about it! He doesn't! He should be grateful that they let him be.

How long has he been locked here, anyway? Days? Weeks? No. No, that's impossible. They don't have the time for it. It came as a suprise thet they decided to run this investigation in the first place. They've been keeping two battalions out of the frontlines in the middle of a war. That's strange, isn't it?

It's definitely unnerving, though. 

If the GAR authorities were determined enough to call for Kaminoans and to keep two _kriffing_ battalions in, that means he'd done something very foolish and unacceptable.

Something _unexpected_ for a clone.

Nothing will save him now. There's no chance of escaping the cloners' clutches. What is going to happen then?

He knew the answer but he dared not to voice it. It was too terrifying. Being reconditioned.

Because it's reconditioning, isn't it? What else can they do with him?

He's a good soldier. He did his duty. He did it for the Republic. Decommission is out of the question. Right?

The funny thing is, no one, except the cloners, seems to know what reconditioning and decommission mean for certain. There is gossip, of course. But gossip – even clone gossip – isn't reliable when it comes to the deep-laid procedures which names causes anxiety and dread to arise in every brother's heart.

Recondition.

Decommission.

Two things that they all have feared since they were children. Their fear results from the unknown. No clone knows what it means to be reconditioned or decommissioned until... 

And apparently no brother who came through it has ever happened to be ready to tell the rest what this procedures are. Was such brothers even around?

To be recodnitioned means to be learnt the fundamental rules again, to be fixed like a broken machine would be.

To be decommissioned means to be out of order, unfit for duty and got rid of because one cannot fulfil said duty.

That's all they know. However, the terrifying part of this procedures is not their basic definitions but what they consist of. _This_ is the dreadful unknown.

They were drilled to face death. They were taught what death on the battlefield means: being shot, being sliced with a lightsaber and the like, suffocating, being crushed under debris and so on. Nevertheless, it is still hard to imagine what being decommissioned is like. Somewhere in the maze of sterile corridors. All alone. Accompanied only by the cloners.

A shiver runs down his spine. _Anything but not decommission. Please._

He lowers his head and barely registers tears welling up in his eyes.

Where are his brothers? Why can't he see them? What will happen to them? What will happen to _him_ ?

He curls up on the bench and starts sobbing quietly. Defiance arises in his heart. Why? Why does nobody care? Why are they just cannon fodder to everyone but themselves? He bites his lip and tastes blood. It's too much. He can't take it anymore. He lowers his head, resting it on his knees.

_Too much._

Why does he have to go through all this? Why was he so stupid? Why did he _pull the trigger_?

It strikes him that after all this years of training and flash learning something inside him – a glitch, _Jango factor_ – came to life and made him see. See who Krell was. See what should be done with him.

His deed was implusive. Still, it was the right thing to do.

Good soldiers follow orders, they do, but they also remeber what they're fighting for. Having a purpose is crucial and he has just found his. He did it for his brothers.

He takes a deep breath, dabs off the tears with the sleeve of his bodysuit and the next moment the door slides open. It's over. Did they wait for him to calm down? Or is it just a coincidence? He doesn't have the time to ponder as two _vode_ in white armour devoid of any marks escort him out into the corridor.

When they exit the building, he takes a quick look around. It's propably late evening but on Umbara it's hard to distinguish day from night. There are numerous gunships taking off and landing, troopers embarking and disembarking.

Suddenly he feels an unwelcome pressure over his wrists. Handcuffs. He bows his head immediately frustrated. He's almost forgot that some don't see his actions the way he does. Is he a traitor then?

They steer him to one of the gunships. No sign of Kaminoans. However, he knows where he's headed. He had more than enough time to think about the consequences.

He catches a glimpse of something blue and turns his head in this direction.

The captain is watching him, his helmet tucked under his arm, exhaustion too visible on his face for Dogma's liking. Is Rex wondering what would have happened if he'd pull the trigger instead of the shinie? 

He makes eye contact and a wave of desperation washes over him.

_No. Don't let me go. Don't leave me. Please..._

But it lasts only for a brief moment. He's already thought it out. He puts on a brave face. For his brothers.

Rex nods at him and he returns the curt gesture.

It doesn't matter wheter the Kaminoans, the generals or any other non-clone understand what and why he did. It's a relief to see that his very brothers are on his side. After all, he did it for them.

With that Dogma boards the gunship. The door closes behind him. It's over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any thoughts? Feedback is always welcome and appreciated!

**Author's Note:**

> As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.


End file.
